On my quest for inner-peace, and enlightenment a.k.a “know thyself” I attended a local Buddhist meditation class. The theme was self-cherishing, in simple terms, less suffering may be attained by shifting our focus away from the self, and towards others.
It is true when we are in a dark place the world shrinks to a pin point reference, and the universe contains only our damaged egos. I felt vaguely horrified listening to the talk, to consider my selfishness as responsible for my inner angst.
There is truth to the argument, it’s a stoical stance – suffering is relative. However, I can’t quite shake the belief kindness and love directed inwards, along with forgiveness and compassion will be my path to a gentler ego with the ability to see beyond the black fog.
Reflecting on a difficult journey, and wrestling with those crushing destructive inner voices of:
“You’re not good enough”
“You are a failure, a quitter.”
“You’ll never be happy, no matter what you do, or how hard you try”
“You don’t deserve to be different from everyone else. What gives you the right?”
I have started on a 30 day yoga camp; alongside a sore and perplexed body (but you hardly moved during that 30 minutes!) I also discovered a beautiful and kind person who is giving me permission to love who I am. It sounds soooooo cheesy and such a cliché. However, it is giving me hope one day I can say out-loud from an authentic self, and with sincerity:
“I love you, and I forgive you.”
Having recently joined a Whatsapp group and partaken in groups before, I’m always left wondering: “How much is too much?” and “What is appropriate to share?”
I’m something of a giddy pet hamster with a new wheel to play in. I’ll put a lot of time and energy into the activity but not ask, “Why am I doing this? Where is it going? What is it I want?”
I am probably doing myself a disservice. I know, deep down, the answers to all of those questions:
- Why and what is it, I want?
- I don’t want to feel alone and a freak. I want to be understood. I want to be looked-after by a benevolent and kind community who will stroke my ego and tell me it will all be ok, and that I am an amazing person. Cue social anxiety: “Why hasn’t so-and-so responded?”, “Have I over-shared?”,and “I’m too needy”.
- Where is it going?
- This is the harder of the three to answer and probably the most important. Others will have answers but I must remind myself it is me who owns the issues, and ultimately my responsibility to take action…or I could just bathe in the warm fuzzy glow of:
- broken=please support + fix me …….a little longer…